If Raymond Chandler had written Lord of the Rings

The sun came up over the ridge like a fried egg on top of a burnt slice of toast. Then the trumpets sounded. Lots of them, as if Sauron had paid for a lifetime supply and wanted to get his money's worth if the world ended today. The night shift went back to the holes they had crawled out of the night before, and the day shift started to straggle in, lugging their swords, as if they didn't know which they hated more, Sauron or themselves. I didn't know any of this crew, but cops are cops, even in Bay CityMordor.

"Well, here we are!" said Sam. He liked to tell you things you already knew. I didn't mind, most of the time, but here in front of the Black Gate of Mordor, I could think of one or two or a hundred more useful topics of conversation. He talked about his father a lot too, and his garden, and he seemed to think that if he ever got back to them, everything would be like it was. I kept quiet about that. It wasn't my job to tell him that seeing the wide world changes your shape so that you don't fit in the places you used to. He was a little guy, but I liked him.